Sometimes, I really over think. Just like how I really over thought about whether or not to write up anything or even post anything on my instagram or on my blog. Would my words make any sense to anyone else and are they worth sharing.
Ok that’s a lie, I always overthink…..Every. Single. Time.
The anxiety, self worth, fear of humiliation or the possibility of embarrassing myself, embarrassment of my body and how it looks, questioning myself in every possible direction, anything negative to say you can be sure, I have thought of it first and I have said that to myself. I have scolded myself with the most cruellest and cutting of words. I know that my actions and my thoughts towards myself are the result of years of trauma, that was either inflicted upon me or by me unto myself, physically, mentally. Those are the scars that I carry and I hope that the more I take myself outside of my safe zone, the smaller they will get.
Why am I telling you about this? Am I looking for validation from my photo? Or sympathy because of my words? No, I am sharing what I feel has become a beautiful cathartic journey for me within the tattoo sessions I sit through as the client, instead of sitting as the Tattooer.
I feel incredibly humbled and reminded by the experience of being tattooed. It takes me whole and opens me up, It brings me to my knees and then helps me back up, renewed in mind, body and soul a little bit more each and every time. But every now and then, one of those sessions feels like the fight of my life and becomes an ever more poignant part of this trip that I have chosen to take myself on, much more than the all others that came before. Its after sessions like those that I seem to be able to find another part of myself that had been catapulted into the abyss from the past uninvited and explosive life events. I like her, I see her and appreciate her strength and how far she has travelled to get here.
I’ve mentioned it previously in my other writings, that Tattooing was not only life saving for me, but without it I really don’t know if I would have had half of the psychological healing and growth that I have had, tattooing has been essential in my journey of recovery, whether I sit through it as the tattooee or whether I am the tattooer.
With each bit of completion, I genuinely heal inside, I place my trust into my ‘guide’ and I am carried safely through the session. I guess everything I write may either sound like utter tripped out lunacy to you or if you have really gone there, you will get exactly what I am talking about.
I have a client who only years later after having had a 2 year break, has only now said to me what those previous tattoo sessions were about for them and that they were experiencing them on a level where they grew a new kind of love for themselves, I can’t share any more details than that, but I am so happy that this person found something in being tattooed that showed them how wonderful they are. I think at the time I knew, but I remained at a distance from this knowledge, I don’t know how helpful that was for them but I will ask the next time we meet. But I do wonder if there is anything I can actually do towards carrying someone through these types of tattoo experiences. Perhaps just opening up this dialogue a bit more will enhance the safe spaces we want to provide as Tattooers.
Healing baby, its all about healing….the mind…the body…the soul….the tattoos.
Angel
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